Friday, 15 October 2010

Journal: 112.10.15

It's amazing how often pilots will contact me with various messages along the lines of "BLAST suck" or "your alliance can't hold space" or "your alliance can't fight."

I can't imagine how it might be possible for me to care less either way. My job's not to lead these people, my job isn't to be their spokesman.  Fleets are called, I sign up, I show up, I kill. Thus far, I've not lost a ship in turn, but that's only a matter of time. It's so simple, so pure. No obligations, nobody relying on me for leadership or guidance. Just... a function. A component in the system. I have my job and I do it as well as I know how. Win or lose makes no difference to me - just performing my role to a high standard is sufficient.

How long has that feeling been missing from my life? That feeling of belonging, of being part of something greater than myself... Even if the alliance's motives are petty, even if it only exists to make money and hold space and for no good philosophical reason, it's still something I feel like a part of.

The State hasn't given me that feeling in a long time. I'm a capsuleer, I'm not part of that society any longer. I'm still Caldari, still a citizen, but I'm not really a part of the State any longer. No longer really involved with that greater good.

But here, surrounded by and working with others like me, other pilots? Here I can get that sensation back again. It's a powerful, heady narcotic of a feeling and resisting the urge to turn my back on my origins is going to be hard. But I won't give in, because it's still missing that spark of inspiration that comes from having a philosophy more noble than simple greed.

If capsuleer alliances have a creed or philosophy beyond the accumulation of wealth and the pursuit of selfish dalliances, I've never identified it. So, neither option is satisfying, really.

But I'm glad I'm doing this right now.

Save. End.

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