Saturday, 29 June 2013

Journal: YC115.06.29

Nicole's been getting more of a social life recently. Going out drinking with Kasuko Merin, talking to more people, just getting out of the house.

I'm glad. I know I let work and duty get in the way of being a good spouse too often. I know ours is one of those curiously Caldari marriages where both of us sort of... fit each other in around everything else, rather than the other way round, but I do feel like I'm neglecting her sometimes. I'd hate for her to become just... part of the scenery.

Besides, it's kind of amusing to nurse your wife's hangover. Ginger and lemon tea with a spoon of honey - ancient family remedy.

That said, the painkillers probably help a bit too.

Save. End.

Monday, 24 June 2013

Journal: YC115.06.24

I called Avlænkaa. A little Shamanic advice, outside perspective. The whole parallax thing.

It's so simple, in the end. You can base your actions on probable future outcomes all you like, but the fact is that a death now is real, and a hundred thousand deaths in the future are purely hypothetical.

Likely as those deaths may be, I can't be judge, jury and executioner, especially not for potential crimes. So far, Kim has been a soldier, killing soldiers, and that's... well, killing and dying is what soldiers do. But I can't execute her for killing civilians unless and until she actually has.

Jump that gate when we land on it. Besides, she's Empyrean. I'm pretty sure merely beheading her wouldn't actually have achieved anything, and it would have given me some serious PR problems.

Even if I could take into account hypothetical lives lost, I also have to weigh them against hypothetical lives saved by my own actions, and my own actions are facilitated by my reputation. I don't know how large or small that number may be, I'm ignorant of too many variables.

So the only reasonable course of action is inaction, a stayed hand. Drop the sword. It was difficult, though.

Kim's wrong. I did the strong thing.

I do need to meditate on the way my instincts served me better than my reason, however. There is a lesson to be learned from that.

Save. End.

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Journal: YC115.06.23

Twice in one conversation, Diana Kim handed me a sword and challenged me to kill her.

She made a compelling argument why I should, too - one Caldari life taken in cold blood, thousands of Gallentean lives saved in the long run.

I thought I'd be clever the first time. I played it like I was really going to do it. She was kneeling, with the blade on the back of her neck. I asked her if she wanted to be cured of her hatred of Gallente. She said that her hatred is all she is, that to remove it would be to kill her anyway. So I swung, took some hairs off her scalp as I buried the blade in the couch. Gave her this whole thing about having accepted death, maybe she can die and be reborn and... all that shit. It's what the Tea Maker is supposed to be all about, after all. Facing the real possibility of death, and if you survive then you turn the page, begin anew, let the old self die to be replaced by a newer, better person.

She called me "weak". Said that in my shoes, she'd have killed me without hesitation. Said it proves that she cares more about life than I do.

I have no idea if she's right or not. But she completely broke me.

I asked her: "Do you want me to kill you, yes or no?" The bitch hemmed and hawed and didn't give me a straight answer until I was practically begging for one, until I was so far gone that I couldn't function without hearing one of those two words.

She said no. So, I didn't. Had she said yes...

Had she said yes, she'd be dead now. And I'd have a lot of explaining to do. And I think I'm glad it didn't go that way.

But I can't shake the feeling that maybe she's right that maybe I was wrong to say that I value Gallentean lives. Do I really value who-knows-how-many of them less than I value just one of her?

Is there any other way to see this? Are my priorities really just that fucked-up? Do I genuinely believe that she's capable of being redeemed, and am I willing to pay the price in blood to see it happen?

One person, versus the greater good.

I know I should have killed her. I know it. Every logical iota of my being is screaming at me that I should have beheaded her and stood proud to defend the action.

But I just couldn't do it. I can't kill in cold blood. If she'd just aimed a gun at me, pulled a knife, given me the order, something, it would have been so simple.

Anything to avoid taking responsibility for ending a life, eh Verin? Rationalize them away, as enemy combatants, as threats, as orders and targets.

But she kneeled. And breathed her last. And even though she genuinely thought I was about to cut her head off, she bared her neck for the blow. And I've always felt that accepting your death like that is weakness, that death is something you resist until it takes you, kicking and biting and fighting.

So vulnerable. So willingly vulnerable. Absolutely and totally prepared, in the courage of her convictions, to DIE, then and there, to prove a point.

So why couldn't I do it? Is she right and I'm just that weak?

Have my instincts worked through an ethical maze that my rational brain is still struggling with?

Or is it just that I don't trust an Empyrean to stay dead?

Save. End.

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Journal: YC115.06.11

Haatomo went from being a highsec backwater to being the most important system in the State overnight.

I hope this will be the end of it. The CEP have declared Heth a terrorist. He's stolen Navy ships and barricaded up part of the station. CN dreads and carriers were deployed to contain him.

Now it's a waiting game, and he's going to lose. Between the CEP and Tripwire, if he marches on Home like he's planning, he'll be space debris before he ever lays eyes on her.

Surely this time is the end of it?


Save. End.

Friday, 7 June 2013

Journal: YC115.06.07

New survey sensor updates hit the market, covered by the pod license for universal installation. Seems like everybody's got the bug for poking around lowsec in search of valuable stuff. So, I put in a call to the Jockey, who updated BLACKWALL for me in exchange for first pick of any interesting data I dug up with it. Figured if I was going to join in I should have a damn good intrusion tool in my arsenal.

Mostly decryption algorithms so far, but Bobromis and I went on a roam on Thursday night, found ourselves a derelict colony ship the Angels had stashed an experimental rig blueprint in. And made the mistake of continuing our search for treasure in Egbinger rather than banking it at a station. We got ambushed, Bob's anathema got popped and the guys who hit us got the blueprint.

Oh well. Easy come, easy go. At least we've learned a lesson, and there's definitely more big scores out there. Ran into a pilot called Raziphan Rebular tonight, who'd found an advanced capital rig blueprint in his search, the lucky bastard. It's steady if small cash with the occasional big paydata jackpot and having to dodge other pilots is definitely more entertaining than sitting in a station watching ships assemble themselves and listening to the assorted ramblings on the Summit, and I've found some genuinely interesting - and beautiful - things this week.

Having the right tools help.

What else? Where to begin? I'm suspicious that Desiderya wasn't entirely forthcoming about Pyre's motive for operating in the Minmatar warzones. They seem to have adopted a quite fervently pro-Amarr, even pro-slavery attitude in discussion. Nobody's seen Pieter in a while either and rumour is the last time he showed up he was covered in bruises. Considering that he's got a subdermal carapace, that's a troubling rumour.

Aato and Big Fisk got the new DUST implants. Their first assignment was a babysitting job, though. the news about Admiral Yanala being forced into the Tea Maker Ceremony seemed to have something of an adverse effect on Diana Kim. I found her half bled-out in her quarters having patched herself up with shirt bandages and towels. Somebody took a knife to her in a big way. I don't know whether the fact none of her important organs or major blood vessels were damaged was because of good fortune, or because her attacker had a surgical knowledge of anatomy and didn't actually want to kill her. Either way, I had to use a triple dose of the Zainou deep site trauma nanites to repair the gash in her thigh. She doesn't know how close she came to losing the use of that leg. Not that it'd matter much to a capsuleer.

She's lucky I heard the rumours and decided to check them out. Even without the blood loss she was in serious danger of sepsis. Patched her up and posted guards on the door to ward off any further harm for a couple of days. It seems to have worked, though she's been acting.... strangely positive towards me ever since. Hamish Grayson sent me a bottle of spiced wine as a thank you for intervening, which was nice. After all the bickering with Pyre, it's been nice to see Caldari looking out for one another, even when we disagree.

After the revelations about Yanala broke and he was damn near rioted off stage, Heth and the CPD leadership have gone dark. No sign of them. I've moved the Arcurio Scar up to the Forge and installed a jump clone.

Oh, and my bounty is now in excess of three and a half billion ISK. Guess I must be doing something right.

Save. End.