Nicole and I don't see much of each other at the moment. We're both busy people, looking after our obligations.
When I went home last night though, she was still up. She had a cup of tea waiting for me. She didn't notice me come in at first, though. She was reading a report of some kind to keep herself awake, obviously tired.
I have no idea how it happened. If it was just being in the right mood at the right time. If it was that simple gesture of patience - she was so tired, but she still stayed up to see me. It made me realize something. I wasn't avoiding letting her know how I felt out of cowardice.
I was doing it because I love her too much to hurt her like that. The idea of saying "I don't love you" to her felt so wrong because I DO. It's a changed love, confused by painful months of absence, but not a wrong one. I'm an idiot for not realizing it sooner.
Only my Rakkai could get me that tangled up in my head. Only my Rakkai could sort me out without even knowing I was wrong in the first place. I bet she has no idea why I decided to sneak in the room and give her a squeeze from behind after weeks of being a little distant.
But I think she appreciated it.