Outgoing correspondence, YC114.03.12

Origin: Verin Hakatain
Recipient: Nicole Hakatain
Sent: - YC114.03.12.22.57
Subject: <none>


Rakkai,

I don't know where you are, what you're doing, or even if you're in some predicament that's my fault for not being able to track you and come to the rescue.

This is the second time, and it would take a man made of tougher stuff than me to cope.

I'm sorry if this hurts you. I love you, I really do. But I can't endure this. Please find enclosed your half of the divorce documentation. If I don't hear back from you within two months of this message, then the divorce will be going ahead via power of attorney.

I just wish I knew why.

-Verin.

Journal: 114.02.05

The older I get as a capsuleer, the less often I fly.

I don't NEED to. With hundreds of millions of ISK to my name in liquid capital alone, and billions-worth of ships in the hangar, I've got all the venture capital a man could ever need.

After all, what can you do in a ship? You can mine - which as far as I'm concerned is a mind-numbingly slow trickle of cash that I only do when the corp needs the minerals. You can fight - putting assets on the line often for no good reason other than to protect lowsec shipping lanes that ReAw, on the whole, don't use. Or you can haul.

That one, at least, has a good price tag attached to it. If I'm in a badger, I'm making money.

What's nice is having the options. Whatever need may arise, I've got the skills to handle it, and often the ship as well.

There's only one thing I can't do yet - dreadnoughts. Time to fix that, I think.

Save. End.

Journal: 114.01.01

"Only through many hardships
Is a man stripped to his very foundations
And in such a state
Devoid of distractions
Is his soul free to soar
And in this
He is closest to God"
- The Scriptures, Book of Missions 42:5

We are in the River, and the River is in us.

Kigurosaka.

"The Zone"

Flow.

Again and again, the same concept appears in human thinking. Perfect form, perfect function, perfect action. A condition in which the solution to an obstacle is so obvious that choice ceases to exist- there is only perfect action. There's even a scientific term for it: Hyperconsciousness.

The fact that the science behind it is embraced by only a handful of less reputable academics doesn't deter me. Academia is a notorious home to back-stabbing and character assassination. The idea is what captivates me. For a human brain to transcend conscious decision-making and in so doing approach a state of perfect activity. It's a romantic thought, and one with infinite philosophical fascination.

But perfection. That's the flaw in the gem, of course. I embrace imperfection as the rich source of opportunity that it is. I reject utopia as the poisonous stasis of the soul. Either is an extreme, and extremes are detrimental. Extremes of environment, of effort, of morality and philosophy... there's a reason that the word "Extremist" is used with a snarl of contempt. And this Hyperconscious state would be an extreme of concentration. The true opposite of a state of sleep or catatonia, where ordinary alertness is merely the healthy middle ground where people must live their lives or go insane.

So I wonder. If I ever did find a way of rendering myself Hyperconscious. If I found myself on the banks of the River, needing only to take one step in order to immerse myself and to flow with it... Would I? 

Can one justify a path of carefully chosen equilibrium? Can an extreme be justly condemned without first experiencing it? I might, after all, be wrong. Hyperconsciousness may not be the extreme - it may be the Fulcrum across which the extremes are balanced.

What if I am wrong? About the Utopian toxin, or about the virtue of moderated chaos? Might I not be justifying a cage of mediocrity, or championing the broken window fallacy? 

You can't know, until you've looked at the problem from all angles.

Unless I'm wrong about that, too.

Maybe you just... get the joke one day.

Happy New Year, journal.

Save. End.

Journal: YC113.12.20

All I can do is wait.

I've got some of the best working for me. My own security teams include a unit of some of the most professional people-locators in New Eden.

But they're not good enough, so I've gone to the best. Never thought I'd be setting one of the most infamous bounty hunters in New Eden after my own wife, but there we go.

In theory, all I have to do now is wait. All I can do is wait, and keep myself distracted.

By accepting, on a whim, a commission to create a piece of jewellery for the mother of a capsuleer I barely know. By buying a VIP ticket to Kedio versus the Blue Tiger. by doing Tastoitsu routines until my arms feel like they're about to fall off. By tying to make it to every roam and op Khali has planned, if I can manage it.

it's a distraction. It's meant to stop me from feeling lonely and worried. I wasn't expecting to actually enjoy it.

Save. End.

Journal: YC113.12.19

Nicole isn't on Saisio.

Neither is her father.

In fact, neither is their house. 

Just bare stone foundations where a five-hundred-year-old Achuran mansion of traditional construction used to stand.

And their mailbox. Left open so I could see the letter inside.

Just an envelope addressed to "Rakkai". The rain had got in and smeared the ink a little.

And inside that... her ring.

What kills me is that I don't even know if that's how she'd do it or not. If that's the way a marriage by appointment would end. With no explanation, no argument, no turmoil... just a single, sad, wet, written word read by moonlight and sealed with a lipstick kiss.

No. I don't believe it.

Save. End.

Fluid Router Comms log, YC113.12.12

Private conversation: Channel ID: -26874455

Originator: Verin Hakatain
 via: RTIS Spooky Action, reg. HDHL-337X-A

Recipient: Ciarente Roth
 via: Re-Awakened Technologies HQ, Gulfonodi System.

Carrier wave analysis – secure, clean.

Begin archive.

[00:01:26] V. Hakatain > Nicole's comm is turned off again

[00:01:37] C. Roth > Oh.

[00:01:40] V. Hakatain > Yeah. Oh.

[00:01:55] C. Roth > Perhaps she's working and doesn't want to be disturbed?

[00:01:59] V. Hakatain > perhaps. Perhaps she's been working and didn't want to be disturbed for the past fortnight.

[00:03:06] V. Hakatain > ugh. Sorry. I didn't mean to get nasty on you. It's just... she's dropped out of contact before, like this.

[00:03:39] C. Roth > No, I understand. And last time there was something wrong, so ...

[00:04:06] V. Hakatain > The last time it happened, I found her amnesiac and half-starved in a Sisters hospital. I mean... we have a marriage that I find difficult at the best of times. We're both working pod pilots. There's not a lot of.... time to be us together.

[00:07:21] C. Roth > I know how that goes.

[00:07:30] V. Hakatain > Hah. In fact, I'm quite sure I've had something like "Date with Nicole at the Blue Garden, Tuesday 8pm. buy flowers" in my schedule on multiple occasions. What kind of a marriage is that? One where you treat your rakkai as an... appointment? I know I don't think of her that way, but that's how it is.

[00:16:31] C. Roth > Yes. It's a bit like that for me and Charlie these days too. Maybe it's how it is, for pilots

[00:18:18] V. Hakatain > Maybe. That's... honestly a slightly depressing thought.

*Conversation suspended: duration 34.5 minutes. See relevant incident report file.*

[00:52:52] V. Hakatain > I try not to worry. Hard not to in this situation though.

[00:53:13] C. Roth > Have you tried writing to her?

[00:53:20] V. Hakatain > Yep.

[00:55:26] C. Roth > No answer?

[00:56:25] V. Hakatain > They all come back with "could not reach recipient" stamped on them

[00:57:12] C. Roth > But you know where she is?

[00:57:19] V. Hakatain > In theory, yes.

[00:57:35] C. Roth > Is there someone there you can ask if she's okay?

[00:57:45] V. Hakatain > Also in theory, yes. She's on Saisio III, the Achura homeworld and in theory I should be able to call her father.

[00:58:54] C. Roth > Well, you could at least check she's okay? I mean, even if she doesn't want to talk to you?

[00:59:14] V. Hakatain > he seems to have taken a long vacation

[01:00:06] C. Roth > Oh.

[01:00:08] V. Hakatain > ...I should head out there in person. If there's one thing that can't happen it's that I'll be prevented from physically setting foot on that planet... or rather, if I am then the only person with both the power and a possible motive to stop me would be Nicole. No. I'm inventing scenarios and that's not good for my head.

[01:02:31] C. Roth > I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation

[01:02:47] V. Hakatain > Hrrm. I'd like to believe that. But she's a capsuleer, a member of this corporation, my wife and under even more robust protection procedures than you and your kids are. I have to face it, the most likely scenario is that she doesn't want to talk to me right now

[01:06:43] C. Roth > She may just need some time.

[01:07:16] V. Hakatain > Spast I hope so. I just wish I knew why.

[01:09:19] C. Roth > Well, I wish I knew why Charlie seems to want to spend time at work more than he wants to spend time with me, but sometimes one has to let people do what they feel they need to do.

[01:10:07] V. Hakatain > we're a pair of joyful sunbeams tonight, aren't we suuli?

[01:10:40] C. Roth > Ah well, we foiled a would be gank.

[01:10:49] V. Hakatain > but you're right. If they need to get their head sorted out, about the only thing you can do is wait for them to do it

[01:10:59] V. Hakatain > kigurosaka. flow with the river... Thanks suuli.

[01:12:56] C. Roth > I'm sure it will work out, Verin..

[01:13:06] V. Hakatain > That's the thing about life - it always does. But not every resolution is a happy one.

End Archive.

Encrypted.

Saved to secure storage.

End File.

Journal: 113.12.4

Sinikka's finally off to nullsec. My Shenane, the big bad alliance combat pilot.

Meera has been especially unbearable. She feels abandoned, I think. Never mind that as infomorphs both Sinikka and I can be home in minutes if we're needed. Her brother and sister are off in far-flung, foreign corners of New Eden doing capsuleer things and not being her family.

A large part of me is finding her very annoying indeed right now... but another part of me knows now exactly where she's coming from. Now I feel like I've been left behind, and I don't much like it.

So I wrote a prayer today. I don't do that often, it's important to only pray when it really matters.

Spirits of creation, ancestors of my lineage, I am far from home.
I am far from my people and my family, and they are far from me.
Grant me the perspective to see how close my loved ones are, 
even when they are far away.
Please give me the patience to savor the anticipation of our reunion,
and the wisdom to not forget those who are close at hand.
And bless those I miss,
with the same qualities that I pray for myself.
Inoruko.


Save. End.