Saturday, 6 November 2010

Journal: 112.11.7

Tenets and philosophies come in two forms, I find - the transient, and the innate.

Transients are principles that are held according to mood. When I'm in a positive mood, I'm inclined to like the human race and give people the benefit of the doubt. When I've had a bad day, I'm a misanthrope. Innates on the other hand are the things that differentiate one person from another. They the reasons people, groups, whole cultures butt heads and war against each other. they are constant, and if an innate principle alters, so too does the person.

I think one of the tenets that define me is a belief in adaptation. Can't solve a puzzle one way? come at it from another angle. Your product is being out-sold? modify it. You're losing the war? adjust your strategy. Adapt, overcome, thrive. Turn adversity into the motive force to improve yourself.

It's... hard to apply that ideal to something like the love of my life just being... gone. It feels like nothing less than giving up, in fact. But giving up is the only sane response. Or rather, the only response that will keep me sane.

Depression is a hideous thing. It ruins lives not just for the depressed, but also for the people they influence... and the scope of my influence is tens or maybe hundreds of thousands of people.

I can remember what it was like last time. I can still feel it coiled in the back of my mind like an adder. I simply will not allow myself to fall back down that slope. The medication helps, but drugs are just a shield wall - they fend off the danger, but don't remove it entirely.

To be free of that risk, I need to let go. I need to adapt, overcome... Will I thrive? Maybe not, but "maybe not" is infinitely better than "certainly not", which is the only other option.

It's a horrible betrayal. By doing this, I'm turning every loving word I ever spoke promising to always be there for her into a lie. But... I have to let go. 

Which is what I've been doing. There's no way to just... switch off like that. I can't just stand up, say "farewell Rakkai, it was fun while it lasted." and be done. Every day has to be part of the progress. Every thing I do, the totality of my being has to be devoted to moving on. To adapting.

I have no option but to be a changed man through this experience. All I can hope to do is steer the change in constructive, positive ways.

Save. End.

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