Sunday, 12 June 2011

Journal: 113.06.12

Maybe we look at so-called "Capsuleer Dementia" all wrong. Maybe we have it pretty much backwards.

It's true, a lot - I daresay all - pod pilots are a little wrong upstairs. Sociopathic disregard for human life, emotional detachment, emotional dependency, a cavalier attitude towards life and limb. I love Cia like a sister but bless her she's not right in the head. 

And me, of course. Me with that evil black demon in my head just waiting for the moment when my guard's down, where something takes me back, where it can make me remember.

"Survivor's guilt". Hah! now there's a term made up by somebody who didn't have any experience of it, who don't know what it's like from the inside. The entire point is that you DIDN'T survive. People die a little bit when the souls around them are put out like candles drowning under the tide, that's normal. But I had half of my soul taken from me.

What do you call it when the other half of you, the person who made you a complete and single being with two bodies, is killed and you're not there to die with her? "Survivor's guilt"? Taisaanat kafurui siirtiuuliku!

I call it the wound that I don't think will ever really heal, even if I live for a thousand years.

even if they give you a nice helpful doctor who's there to try and help and who's understanding and just want to help you get through this, Verin. For them, for yourself, and for the corporation."


 ...I know that it's not a symptom of pod use to be that way. I think... maybe it's a prerequisite.

Save. End.

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