"I really just want him to ... not come near me. Near the twins. Ever again." Cia said.
It's a simple request. But acceding to it means that Byre wins. If I let this go, I'm beaten, and I'm an oathbreaker.
So. A beaten oathbreaker I have become.
It seems like that should feel more wrong, somehow.
Save. End.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Journal: YC113.06.21
My face, my hand, my voice, threatening the babies.
Not me. Not my actions. But my fault. My failure.
Death's too good for him.
Byre will THANK me when I finally let him die.
Save. End.
Not me. Not my actions. But my fault. My failure.
Death's too good for him.
Byre will THANK me when I finally let him die.
Save. End.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Journal: 113.06.14
"Once burned twice shy"?
Hardly. Seems like some people can't resist sticking their hand in the fire again, see if it hurts as much the second time round.
Save. End.
Hardly. Seems like some people can't resist sticking their hand in the fire again, see if it hurts as much the second time round.
Save. End.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Journal: 113.06.12
Maybe we look at so-called "Capsuleer Dementia" all wrong. Maybe we have it pretty much backwards.
It's true, a lot - I daresay all - pod pilots are a little wrong upstairs. Sociopathic disregard for human life, emotional detachment, emotional dependency, a cavalier attitude towards life and limb. I love Cia like a sister but bless her she's not right in the head.
And me, of course. Me with that evil black demon in my head just waiting for the moment when my guard's down, where something takes me back, where it can make me remember.
"Survivor's guilt". Hah! now there's a term made up by somebody who didn't have any experience of it, who don't know what it's like from the inside. The entire point is that you DIDN'T survive. People die a little bit when the souls around them are put out like candles drowning under the tide, that's normal. But I had half of my soul taken from me.
What do you call it when the other half of you, the person who made you a complete and single being with two bodies, is killed and you're not there to die with her? "Survivor's guilt"? Taisaanat kafurui siirtiuuliku!
I call it the wound that I don't think will ever really heal, even if I live for a thousand years.
even if they give you a nice helpful doctor who's there to try and help and who's understanding and just want to help you get through this, Verin. For them, for yourself, and for the corporation."
...
...I know that it's not a symptom of pod use to be that way. I think... maybe it's a prerequisite.
Save. End.
It's true, a lot - I daresay all - pod pilots are a little wrong upstairs. Sociopathic disregard for human life, emotional detachment, emotional dependency, a cavalier attitude towards life and limb. I love Cia like a sister but bless her she's not right in the head.
And me, of course. Me with that evil black demon in my head just waiting for the moment when my guard's down, where something takes me back, where it can make me remember.
"Survivor's guilt". Hah! now there's a term made up by somebody who didn't have any experience of it, who don't know what it's like from the inside. The entire point is that you DIDN'T survive. People die a little bit when the souls around them are put out like candles drowning under the tide, that's normal. But I had half of my soul taken from me.
What do you call it when the other half of you, the person who made you a complete and single being with two bodies, is killed and you're not there to die with her? "Survivor's guilt"? Taisaanat kafurui siirtiuuliku!
I call it the wound that I don't think will ever really heal, even if I live for a thousand years.
even if they give you a nice helpful doctor who's there to try and help and who's understanding and just want to help you get through this, Verin. For them, for yourself, and for the corporation."
...
...I know that it's not a symptom of pod use to be that way. I think... maybe it's a prerequisite.
Save. End.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Journal: 113.06.10
Further to my last... there are also occasions where I do something routine - some utterly mundane part of my day-to-day - and then sit back awestruck by the magnitude of it.
Today, I took receipt of one hundred tech two large shield extenders from the manufacturing array, and installed another hundred.
A comfortably well-off middle-class family in any of the four empires will earn, either in Megacorp Scrip, Federal Sterling, Republic Dollars or Imperial Monarchs, only a handful of ISK a year. double figures, maybe triple towards the top end of the scale. Some of the poorest people in the world won't even manage double figures in a year.
A Large Shield Extender II is worth six hundred and fifty thousand at current market price. six figures. three orders of magnitude more money per module than most people will earn in a hard-working year.
I just built a hundred of them. So that's sixty-five million. eight figures. Five orders of magnitude.
I already had a hundred and fifty in storage ready for the next sell batch. so we're up to one hundred and sixty-two million five hundred thousand Interstellar Kredits. Nine figures. six orders of magnitude.
I have three hundred and eighty still to build. four hundred and nine million five hundred thousand ISK gross profit. about 55% of which is net profit. So, two hundred and twenty five million two-twenty-five thousand-ish. with a margin of error of about... five percent or so.
Per week.
I acquired all of this staggering wealth by... pressing a few buttons. Took me about five minutes for each batch, if that. Plus the trade run to buy the component parts and to sell the previous batch. maybe comes to an hour's work total to make several million times what a hard-working dirtsider might earn in a year.
And several hundred times what I myself was earning this time five years ago, when I was just starting out.
Save. End.
Today, I took receipt of one hundred tech two large shield extenders from the manufacturing array, and installed another hundred.
A comfortably well-off middle-class family in any of the four empires will earn, either in Megacorp Scrip, Federal Sterling, Republic Dollars or Imperial Monarchs, only a handful of ISK a year. double figures, maybe triple towards the top end of the scale. Some of the poorest people in the world won't even manage double figures in a year.
A Large Shield Extender II is worth six hundred and fifty thousand at current market price. six figures. three orders of magnitude more money per module than most people will earn in a hard-working year.
I just built a hundred of them. So that's sixty-five million. eight figures. Five orders of magnitude.
I already had a hundred and fifty in storage ready for the next sell batch. so we're up to one hundred and sixty-two million five hundred thousand Interstellar Kredits. Nine figures. six orders of magnitude.
I have three hundred and eighty still to build. four hundred and nine million five hundred thousand ISK gross profit. about 55% of which is net profit. So, two hundred and twenty five million two-twenty-five thousand-ish. with a margin of error of about... five percent or so.
Per week.
I acquired all of this staggering wealth by... pressing a few buttons. Took me about five minutes for each batch, if that. Plus the trade run to buy the component parts and to sell the previous batch. maybe comes to an hour's work total to make several million times what a hard-working dirtsider might earn in a year.
And several hundred times what I myself was earning this time five years ago, when I was just starting out.
Save. End.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Journal: 113.06.02
Some days - infrequently - the sheer incredible scale of... of... of everything hits me in the face.
It's humbling, every time. How the hell did I make this happen?
Save. End.
It's humbling, every time. How the hell did I make this happen?
Save. End.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Journal: 113.06.01
I'd previously thought of the "loyalty points" in-house credit offered by most corporations as something to hoard and save up until you can get something big and imposing like a navy-issue Raven blueprint.
Turns out that actually, you can make much more money by redeeming the ostensibly lower-value offers, like hardwires and enhanced ammunition. sixty thousand navy - issue cruise missiles and twelve of the new Inherent Implants 'Squire' PG3 range from CONCORD works out to about three hundred and fifteen million ISK gross profit, and about two hundred fifty million net, and that's with a fraction of the loyalty points. If I redeemed a navy battleship's worth of points in smaller stuff, the resulting profit would be far, FAR bigger.
And the nice thing is that, while the market's pretty well populated with navy cruise missiles, I didn't find a single other person selling those PG3s anywhere in highsec Republic, Federation or State space. Not even in Jita.
It's not all going to shift overnight, but I'm going to be a damn sight richer when it has.
Save. End.
Turns out that actually, you can make much more money by redeeming the ostensibly lower-value offers, like hardwires and enhanced ammunition. sixty thousand navy - issue cruise missiles and twelve of the new Inherent Implants 'Squire' PG3 range from CONCORD works out to about three hundred and fifteen million ISK gross profit, and about two hundred fifty million net, and that's with a fraction of the loyalty points. If I redeemed a navy battleship's worth of points in smaller stuff, the resulting profit would be far, FAR bigger.
And the nice thing is that, while the market's pretty well populated with navy cruise missiles, I didn't find a single other person selling those PG3s anywhere in highsec Republic, Federation or State space. Not even in Jita.
It's not all going to shift overnight, but I'm going to be a damn sight richer when it has.
Save. End.
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