Wednesday, 29 August 2012

Journal: YC114.08.29

I want to tell them.

Either of them, both of them, it doesn't matter, the urge to let them know is damn near overwhelming. I've got this irrational optimistic hope that if I just come clean, everything will go just fine.

But I know better. How would it really go? "Rakkai, I need you to know that I fell in love with another woman while you were gone and try as hard as I might I can't quit her. I still love you very much, but I can't stop thinking about her. When I'm with you, I catch myself wishing she was here with us. Can I have you both?"

Yeah. Say goodbye to your happy marriage, meat-for-brains. Nice job making a lie of your wedding vows.

And on the other side, what would I say to her? "Suuolo, you remember three months ago I told you how I felt about you, but that with the return of my vanishing spouse we have to move on with no regrets? well, I was wrong, I still feel the same way and I do have regrets. But I still love Nicole too. Can I have you both?"

I know what the right course of action is. It's to keep my mouth shut and my feelings private and to get on with life. It's to stamp down as hard as I can on the jealousy I feel when she's the focus of another man's attention, and on the urge to flirt with her. I understand perfectly well that "Can I have you both?" isn't likely to make either of them feel valued.

The right course of action is to accept that life is not about one man's selfish desires, that my fantasy will always remain a fantasy.

Could it happen? Maybe. But they're pretty long odds, and not worth what I'd stand to lose.

Save. End.

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