Friday, 28 October 2011

Journal: 113.10.28

Verin Hakatain.

Just Hakatain. Nearly three years on, and skipping the "Tarn" still feels wrong. Of course, I spent more than fourty years using that name, and only the last two years and ten months without it.

Re-reading the IGS discussion that announcing the disowning provoked, it's hard to reconcile the duty-bound, tradition-bound, hide-bound man who took that ritual to today's Verin Hakatain, or today's Sinikka Hakatain. I can look back on it and see how... narrow and stiff my thinking was at the time. I carried out the ritual because it was expected. Because tradition demanded it. There was none of the same... I suppose intellectualism. Nowadays when I make a decision, I think about it. I think about my thoughts. Metacognition is a relatively new part of the way I think, but possibly the most profound and important. I no longer just act, then explore my motives afterwards.

The universe has taught me that lesson, at least.

Would I still have taken that ritual, today? Just... cast away a relative, a part of my name, and much of my soul on a point of honour? Even after a deep exploration of my motives for doing so, would I really be able to let one set of emotions override another?

I think I would.

I think that for all that I've changed... I've also stayed the same. I come to the same places by different roads.

Save. End.

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