Journal: 112.11.26

Mine's a slightly paradoxical situation right now.

I am not a BLAST fleet commander, and have no intention of being one. But I still wind up training people. Even after all this time, it still seems like I'm one of the only pilots out there who knows about the NEOCOM Compass, about system-map tactical navigation, about just how much of a hardass you have to be to make a fleet work in a disciplined way.

So, I'm not even a junior FC with these guys... but I've been giving training and advice to the senior FCs.

Maybe if the whole Black Star thing falls through I should consider becoming an instructor at EVE University. I've sure as hell got the experience and knowledge.

...Actually, that sounds damn tempting.

Save. End.

Journal: 112.11.22

What I didn't realise when I commissioned the Dissonance Vector was just how much training was involved in making a Chimera work as intended. It's an old lesson, of course. There are a lot of skills related to flying a ship of any class, and it's irresponsible and wrong to neglect them. The prerequisites to just undock and fly it are just a tiny portion of the total training.

But I forgot, because for... oh, a couple of years now I've HAD all that extra training. Any new ship I cared to move into, all the peripherals were there. I could just get the basic skills and have the ship work at near peak efficiency pretty much the moment I unwrapped it and inserted the batteries.

Not so, capital ships. That jump drive is a heck of a thing. I can spin one up and shunt my way across the stars, but right now my range is exactly as per the basic capabilities of the ship. I could more than double the jump range, with training, but to do that I need to maximise my familiarity with basic operations first.

then there's the fighters. The pilots are good, but they need solid telemetry to do their jobs properly. Right now, all they're getting is the basics. And don't get me started on Triage modules. They're more complicated to operate than command battlecruisers are!

Each time I look at the Vector I find some other facet of its operation will require me to conclude a training course, or start a whole new expensive one. All of which is good - not so long ago, I was griping about not knowing what skill to train next. Now, I don't have that problem.

Save. end.

Journal: 112.11.17

It's been a long time since I was last ill.

well.... that's not quite true. Obviously my various bodies have picked up illnesses here and there, but before now I've always had the luxury of a clone jump.

Can't do that today. Too many important things to do. So, I'm stuck in a body that's even vomiting up clean water.

I feel terrible.

Save. End.

Journal: YC112.11.13

Spent some time on the shooting range today.  My arms are killing me. The target looked like a whole platoon had aimed suppressing fire at it. I only stopped because suddenly my trigger finger was too weak to keep firing.

I was thinking, the whole time. About... purpose.

And I realised, I don't have one. Not a real one. Not one that has any substance beyond making money. I'm drifting, letting things happen to me rather than causing them to happen.

...I kind of enjoy it.

Save. End.

Intelligence summary, YC112.11.11

[Hakatain Dynasty Private Intelligence Services]
[Daily report: Pilot Hakatain's Eyes Only]
[Compiled by: Arno Nagaren, Chief of operations]

*
[Subject: Yotchil, S]
Monitoring grade: C
Monitoring type: Identify/nullify
Sightings today: none
Most recent sighting: ref# 7133/94F-F
Estimated activity today: none.
Most recent activity: ref# 7133/94F-F
Estimated threat level: U
Recommended monitoring level: no change.

*
[Subject: Marshaki, Y]
Monitoring Grade: C
Monitoring type: Observation
Sightings today: 3

Activity today: no abnormal behaviour

Estimated threat level: F

Recommended monitoring level: no change

*
[Subjects: Verone, E X and Sakoda, K]
Monitoring Grade: C
Monitoring type: protective

Sightings today: 2

Activity today: no abnormal activity

All intel regarding threats to subject to be passed to Veto. Corporation security services

No information passed on today; all relevant data judged currently known to Veto. Corp.

*
[Subject: Jenneth, A]
Monitoring Grade: C
Monitoring type: protective/Observation
Sighting today: 1
Activity today: no abnormality during observation period
All relevant intel regarding subject to be passed to Pilot Hakatain, V
No information passed on today; no relevant data

*
[Subjects: Roth, Ci and Roth, Ca]
Monitoring Grade: B
Monitoring type: protective
Sightings today: 7
Activity today: no abnormal behaviour
Subjects on protective monitoring list
All intel regarding threats to subjects to be passed to Electus Matari security.
no information passed on today; no relevant data
Possible security vulnerability detected; request permission to advise EM security.

*
[Subjects: Hakatain, I ; Hakatain, M and Hakatain, S plus dependants and intimates]
Monitoring grade: A
Monitoring type: protective
Sightings today: 18
Subjects on active protection list.
Activity today: no abnormal behaviour
All intel regarding threats to subjects to be passed to Hakatain Dynasty security services.
No information passed on today; no relevant data

*
[Subject: Hakatain, N nee. Graves, N]
Monitoring Grade: A+
Monitoring Type: Locate
Sightings today: 0
Leads today: 0
Activity today: 0
Active comms today: 0
GalNet footprint today: 0
Financial activity today: 0

Total available information today: 0

Last sighting: Ref# 1462/72B-N
All intel regarding subject to be passed to Pilot Hakatain, V
No information passed on today; no information available
Recommended monitoring level: downgrade to B
Reason for suggestion: I am of the opinion that the additional resources being expended on A+ monitoring will not yield additional likelihood of success.

*
[Subject: "the peanut gallery"]
Monitoring Grade: B
Monitoring type: Observation
All relevant information to be flagged for attention of Pilot Hakatain, V
No information flagged today; nothing relevant

*
[End summary]
[Operations Chief's observations: Slow day, nothing of significance to report. The team would like to express our thanks for your gift to mark Mr. Amakire's retirement.]
[End file]

Journal: 112.11.7

Tenets and philosophies come in two forms, I find - the transient, and the innate.

Transients are principles that are held according to mood. When I'm in a positive mood, I'm inclined to like the human race and give people the benefit of the doubt. When I've had a bad day, I'm a misanthrope. Innates on the other hand are the things that differentiate one person from another. They the reasons people, groups, whole cultures butt heads and war against each other. they are constant, and if an innate principle alters, so too does the person.

I think one of the tenets that define me is a belief in adaptation. Can't solve a puzzle one way? come at it from another angle. Your product is being out-sold? modify it. You're losing the war? adjust your strategy. Adapt, overcome, thrive. Turn adversity into the motive force to improve yourself.

It's... hard to apply that ideal to something like the love of my life just being... gone. It feels like nothing less than giving up, in fact. But giving up is the only sane response. Or rather, the only response that will keep me sane.

Depression is a hideous thing. It ruins lives not just for the depressed, but also for the people they influence... and the scope of my influence is tens or maybe hundreds of thousands of people.

I can remember what it was like last time. I can still feel it coiled in the back of my mind like an adder. I simply will not allow myself to fall back down that slope. The medication helps, but drugs are just a shield wall - they fend off the danger, but don't remove it entirely.

To be free of that risk, I need to let go. I need to adapt, overcome... Will I thrive? Maybe not, but "maybe not" is infinitely better than "certainly not", which is the only other option.

It's a horrible betrayal. By doing this, I'm turning every loving word I ever spoke promising to always be there for her into a lie. But... I have to let go. 

Which is what I've been doing. There's no way to just... switch off like that. I can't just stand up, say "farewell Rakkai, it was fun while it lasted." and be done. Every day has to be part of the progress. Every thing I do, the totality of my being has to be devoted to moving on. To adapting.

I have no option but to be a changed man through this experience. All I can hope to do is steer the change in constructive, positive ways.

Save. End.

Journal: YC112.11.03

One of the strange anomalies of New Eden is how very different the reputation and reality of nullsec are.

To the uninitiated, 0.0 is a byword for vicious, expensive warfare. For rampant piracy and a haven for all things dangerous. In short, the general perception of nullsec is that it's dangerous.

I find it peaceful. There's no traders, no DED, customs or polic patrols... if there's somebody around who might be inclined to destroy my ship and ransack the wreck then they pop up in the local comms network, and in a web of intel channels. Threats are visible from a long way away and can be dealt with appropriately. 

There are still thousands of people living out here, of course. Ship crews, station staff and all those people over in Serpentis Prime. But it still feels much more isolated and lonely.

More spiritual, in a way. like I'm closer to those strange, alien spirits of space and time.

Save. End.